My Body Still Remembers

I understand why and how our brains store trauma
but it's frustrating.
I wish that understanding
meant that it no longer applies.

I want to remember the good times
as clearly as I remember the bad.
I want to remember the laughter, the excitement,
the curiosity, the learning, the music.

I want to be reminded of him and smile -
and sometimes I do.
But more often my body reminds me of the difficult days,
the chaos towards the end.

I've done so much processing,
but after 7 years
my body
still
remembers.

I wonder if there was a reason for it to be me.
It seems losing him could have been more crushing
had I known him longer.

He pushed so many people away those last two years.
He didn't want to hurt anyone.
He just wanted to stop hurting.

This is a reminder that it's normal to have a reaction on difficult dates.
To allow painful feelings as they arise if you can.
They will come back if you don't.

To trust yourself and your ability to heal.
To choose to do things that feel nourishing.
To take care of yourself,
even though that's the chapter he kept missing.