Fragrance Allergy is a Disability
Recently I have been struggling with fragrances, and this allergy is becoming a serious disability for me. Here is a link from the Environmental Working Group for anyone who is interested in learning about why artificial fragrances are toxic.
Each of the scenarios below gave me at least a couple of the following: headache, scratchy/burning throat and lungs, sneezing, congestion, and brain fog.
40 Lessons from 40 Years
Friday, September 13, 2024 is my 40th Birthday! Here are 40 Lessons Learned from 40 Years of Living that I wrote for myself and wanted to share. What lessons have you learned in your lifetime?
Equinox Thoughts
Tuesday was a powerful Equinox and change is in the air. TL;DR: I got to organize a sound meditation at work and had a great turnout! I'm starting to understand the importance of speaking up about things that bring me discomfort, including feeling ill after being around fragrances (often laundry detergents).
Unconditional Acceptance & Connection (2022 Review)
Growth isn't always linear. As I notice my frustration about the way I spend my time (falling off on regular self care like yoga and weightlifting, too much time trying to stay "caught up" on Facebook, letting household chores slide), I recognize how important it is for me to unconditionally accept and love myself exactly as I am. To know that this is just a dip and I will continue to learn and grow.
Listen to the Nudges (2021 Review)
I started writing about some highlights from the past year and realized I hadn’t thought very deeply about the lessons the year brought me, which is why I usually write up something at the end of each year. I think the biggest lesson this year for me was - listen to the nudges.
The Rollercoaster of 2020
I don’t think any of us could have predicted the overwhelming rollercoaster that has been 2020. The pandemic has reminded us that there is a lot in life that we can't control. We CAN control how we respond, how we choose to spend our time, and how much we love ourselves and others.
SAD but Solistice is Coming!
For my friends dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder (and really everyone this year), please hang in there! One month from today is winter solstice, the day with the least amount of daylight in this hemisphere. After that, the days will start getting longer again!
Suicide is Complex; Be Kind to Everyone
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I recently read an article about how some survivors of suicide loss tend to cringe at “prevention” campaigns and I was so happy to know I am not the only one! When people march around saying that suicide is preventable, it can add to the guilt and shame of survivors of suicide loss. If it was preventable, why wasn’t I able to prevent it? I do believe in the importance of reducing stigma of mental health issues and educating people on signs that often present themselves. I do believe that with intervention, SOME suicides are preventable. The crisis hotlines are lifesavers for many, but they are not enough.
Recurring Lessons and Welcoming 2020
Oh 2019, you were full of lessons that I still haven’t quite learned. I’m ready for the new decade. If this coming decade is anything like the last, I’m in for a ton of growth. I started the decade at the top of my roller derby career with my ego in charge - making Team USA and getting the opportunity to do some international coaching. The middle of the decade was full of loss and learning how to grieve including divorce, losing two kitties, and the guy I was dating ending his own life. I moved to Missouri and the last part of the decade I had knee surgery, started dating a great human, and am back to having 3 cats.
Choosing Gratitude and Growth (2018 Review)
The past year definitely had some challenges, and I think my biggest takeaway is one I thought I had learned but I guess needed a reminder: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The only things I can control in life are how I choose to spend my energy and money, how I respond (or react) to others, my attitude, and my perspective.
Sometimes Life is Hard
Some days are harder than others. I’ve run into some friends lately who are like, “How are you? It looks like things are going well based on Instagram/Facebook!” I realize that I do try to focus on the positive especially with what I’m posting on social media, and that’s because I know what we think about expands. I don’t dwell on little negative things these days and have grown a lot in the past 5 years. I find that filling my mind/attention with information on healing and positive things is helpful, especially with a brain that never seems to stop. In general, life is great and I am very happy.
But sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to focus and I find myself avoiding being present and fall back into old unhealthy patterns. Sometimes anxiety has more control than I’d like and I have a hard time accepting that.
Grief is a Funny Thing
Grief is a funny thing. Well grief itself isn’t funny . . . but as a concept I find it a bit odd, especially here in mainstream mid-America. Everyone deals with loss in their life, and not just of people they love – when you move, change jobs, have a baby, deal with a breakup, quit a hobby, or make any big change, you are losing something. If you don’t grieve that loss, it can build up and bite you later. “When we bury feelings, we bury them alive” is one of my favorite quotes that reminds me how important it is to actually allow myself to feel my feelings.
Well I Do
It was a reminder that even some people who “seem to have things under control” when it comes to their mental health have to work at it DAILY. Even when you get into a good healthy rhythm - if you struggle with any mental health issue, it’s still there under the surface, ready to attack any time you slack a little on the self-care.
Boxing Breakdown
Last night I attended a mitt class for only the second time in the two years I’ve been going to this gym. I was having a really difficult time remembering combinations/how to turn my body to block and deflect punches. I felt embarrassed, stupid, and incapable. I felt sorry for my partner for having to deal with my slow brain. I kept apologizing to her and then judged myself for both judging myself so harshly and also for the way I was talking about myself to her. I wanted to give up and cry. I could not believe the ridiculous script of negative self-talk that was going through my head and was more frustrated that I was judging myself so harshly than the fact that I was struggling so much with the movements.
Goodbye Pops
When we signed up to volunteer to play music for hospice patients, I didn’t realize how lucky we’d be with our first friend and how attached I would get. He died last night and today I am numb. I know the tears are coming. When someone says “hospice” to me, I picture people on their deathbeds who can’t even communicate, but now I know it varies widely.
Hospice Bingo
The other day when we arrived to play music for our hospice friend, he was in the middle of an intense game of Bingo. He had told us previously that he loved playing Bingo and that he wins often, so I didn’t want to interrupt him. He’s now too weak to put the chips on his own board so he has a friend help but he keeps a close eye on him to make sure he doesn’t miss any numbers.
Three Nights of Solitude
Prior to arrival at Windridge Solitude, I was prepared to have a mental breakdown of some sort. I knew that three nights alone in a cottage with no technology, books, or music was going to be a challenge and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to handle it. I was a bit surprised and very happy that I didn’t actually have any breakdowns at all and loved every moment of solitude.
Struggles with Body Image
Warning: long monthly grieving post. I’m not crying out for help or fishing for compliments, just sharing part of my journey because I think these topics are important to discuss. I also am very aware that having an issue with body image is something men and women of all ages and sizes can encounter. I know I’m a “healthy” weight and am not trying to take anything away from people who struggle with obesity or thin-shaming.
Self-Care Summer
In 2015 I did a couple months of daily self-care posts and they helped me keep awareness of how I am treating myself beyond those 30 day spurts. Lately I’ve noticed my self-care slipping a little and I know the next couple of months are going to be full of feelings so I’ve decided to embark on a new journey: #selfcaresummer #68daysofart.
Wonderings
Sick to my stomach, an unfamiliar tightness in my throat emerges. I’m sure my body is telling me something, reminding me I need to feel. But what feeling manifests as a queasy stomach? Disgust? Grief? Sadness? Anxiety? It could be any of those.
Focus evades me. I know I’m not bored because I’m rarely capable of boredom. I’m just . . . not here. But not really anywhere. No thoughts. Catatonic.