Equinox Thoughts
Tuesday was a powerful Equinox and change is in the air. TL;DR: I got to organize a sound meditation at work and had a great turnout! I'm starting to understand the importance of speaking up about things that bring me discomfort, including feeling ill after being around fragrances (often laundry detergents).
March is Social Work Month! I work in a social work department and get to organize our programming. We have a faculty member who has experience facilitating sound meditations and someone suggested we ask her to lead one for our community. I was excited but nervous because I wasn't sure we'd get a strong turnout. We had 31 people RSVP, but in my experience with students and RSVPs that could mean 10-15 people might show up. I had fun organizing the food in spirals and mandalas.
We were all set up and waiting for folks to arrive and right when we were supposed to begin people started piling in. We ended up with more than 30 people! I didn't get a solid count but I was thrilled that so many people came. The invite had gone out to our students, staff, and faculty so it was a great mix of people.
Later I found out that Tuesday was actually Social Work Day. How cool that we got this beautiful experience of rest on Social Work Day and Spring Equinox, a time for new beginnings. I had so much fun geeking out with a handful of colleagues after the event about somatic practices and mindfulness.
Tuesday really felt like turning a page. I recently had some construction in my office and have been back for about a week. This gave me the opportunity to really clean everything and wipe down all of my shelves. My plants are happy to have me back and I'm constantly grateful for my cozy space filled with so much natural light. I've felt overwhelmed and behind at work but something in my mind shifted on Tuesday. When the meditation was over I just kept saying “I'm so happy! I'm so happy right now!”
During my lunch break I attended a beautiful Equinox Gathering with the School of Light Collective. When we were prompted to think about what we want to release and bring in, I immediately thought of my recent frustrations with being sensitive to artificial fragrances. I grew up in a home that used air fresheners and I used to take a daily allergy medication year round. Now I only need allergy medication in the spring for a few weeks due to flowers and I believe a large part of that is because I have been avoiding artificial fragrances.
It has only been in the last few years that I have realized how sensitive to fragrances I have become. After spending much of 2020 in my own home and then trying to go back into shared spaces I've noticed that I get headaches and allergy symptoms immediately when I encounter certain things including certain laundry detergents, fabric softener, scent boosters, cologne/perfume, candles, scented garbage bags, some cleaning products, and air fresheners (the car ones are the worst!). Pure essential oils seem to be okay.
I've learned about some of the toxic chemicals that are used in these products and I don't understand how they are still legal when they are known to be so damaging. I need to learn more about formaldehyde but this one seems to be one of the worst and it's in many laundry detergents, new clothing, and even mattresses. I have a friend who gets violently ill when exposed to formaldehyde. Some of these chemicals are also sensitizers which means the more you are exposed to them, the more sensitive to chemicals you become. I also read that one in three people have chemical sensitivities. That's a huge amount of the population!
I don't know if it's an official disability, but being this sensitive to fragrances has changed so much for me and sometimes it feels really isolating. I cannot just book with Airbnb or TrustedHousesitters unless I confirm they are fragrance free. I've recently had conversations with a few coworkers about how I can't enter their office due to fragrance. Thankfully the person across the hall now only runs her diffuser with pure essential oils. I have a hard time indoors with groups because you never know what kind of fragrances you're going to encounter. Large groups are even worse, especially paired with my sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights. I find myself turning down invitations to events regularly. I don't enjoy feeling like other people need to do something different in order to spend time with me because then I feel like an inconvenience. But I'm recognizing the importance of speaking up when situations are physically harmful to me.
I'm taking a Contact Improv class towards my Certificate in Somatic Studies. It's a very small group (7 students) in a large studio space, but we are often touching each other. I leave every class with a headache, smelling like other people's laundry detergent.
After class on Monday I decided to talk to the instructor about my sensitivity. Before I could even say anything I got choked up and started to cry. He was very understanding and said he will email the group and ask that people wash the clothes they wear in class with a fragrance free laundry detergent and avoid other fragranced products. He said that he can't use certain detergents because they make him itch and after we talked he was surprised that nobody has ever approached him with this issue until now. I was grateful for his understanding, and I'm also worried about the trouble for my classmates who probably will need to get different laundry detergent. I think it'll be pretty easy for them to figure out I initiated the request because there were only 4 of us in class this week and 2 of them use very fragranced detergent. I'm the only staff member in class; the rest of the group is undergraduate students.
When I brought this up on the Equinox call, someone said, “Your self-compassion needs to be stronger than your fear of what others will think of you.” OUCH. As much as I thought I had stopped worrying about what other people think of me, I guess I haven't completely. This is probably one of my most important lessons - learning to speak up when I experience discomfort.
If you made it this far - wow! Thanks for reading. I didn't do a long end of year post so I’m going to put this one on my website as a blog. I hope everyone had a great Equinox and is enjoying the extra daylight! May we all have as much compassion for yourself as you do for others.
