LOVE: Let Others Voluntarily Evolve (2023 Review)
It is so hard to watch people make choices that I know are hurting them. I wrote something that hasn't made it into a full poem yet: “Even though I think I do, I don't know what's best for you.” Susanne Joie says “LOVE: Let Others Voluntarily Evolve” and this is something I am trying so hard to do. I recognize that others are our mirrors and that I may continue to find myself in certain situations for my own evolution and growth.
Unconditional Acceptance & Connection (2022 Review)
Growth isn't always linear. As I notice my frustration about the way I spend my time (falling off on regular self care like yoga and weightlifting, too much time trying to stay "caught up" on Facebook, letting household chores slide), I recognize how important it is for me to unconditionally accept and love myself exactly as I am. To know that this is just a dip and I will continue to learn and grow.
Listen to the Nudges (2021 Review)
I started writing about some highlights from the past year and realized I hadn’t thought very deeply about the lessons the year brought me, which is why I usually write up something at the end of each year. I think the biggest lesson this year for me was - listen to the nudges.
The Rollercoaster of 2020
I don’t think any of us could have predicted the overwhelming rollercoaster that has been 2020. The pandemic has reminded us that there is a lot in life that we can't control. We CAN control how we respond, how we choose to spend our time, and how much we love ourselves and others.
Recurring Lessons and Welcoming 2020
Oh 2019, you were full of lessons that I still haven’t quite learned. I’m ready for the new decade. If this coming decade is anything like the last, I’m in for a ton of growth. I started the decade at the top of my roller derby career with my ego in charge - making Team USA and getting the opportunity to do some international coaching. The middle of the decade was full of loss and learning how to grieve including divorce, losing two kitties, and the guy I was dating ending his own life. I moved to Missouri and the last part of the decade I had knee surgery, started dating a great human, and am back to having 3 cats.
Sometimes Life is Hard
Some days are harder than others. I’ve run into some friends lately who are like, “How are you? It looks like things are going well based on Instagram/Facebook!” I realize that I do try to focus on the positive especially with what I’m posting on social media, and that’s because I know what we think about expands. I don’t dwell on little negative things these days and have grown a lot in the past 5 years. I find that filling my mind/attention with information on healing and positive things is helpful, especially with a brain that never seems to stop. In general, life is great and I am very happy.
But sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to focus and I find myself avoiding being present and fall back into old unhealthy patterns. Sometimes anxiety has more control than I’d like and I have a hard time accepting that.
Grief is a Funny Thing
Grief is a funny thing. Well grief itself isn’t funny . . . but as a concept I find it a bit odd, especially here in mainstream mid-America. Everyone deals with loss in their life, and not just of people they love – when you move, change jobs, have a baby, deal with a breakup, quit a hobby, or make any big change, you are losing something. If you don’t grieve that loss, it can build up and bite you later. “When we bury feelings, we bury them alive” is one of my favorite quotes that reminds me how important it is to actually allow myself to feel my feelings.
Struggles with Body Image
Warning: long monthly grieving post. I’m not crying out for help or fishing for compliments, just sharing part of my journey because I think these topics are important to discuss. I also am very aware that having an issue with body image is something men and women of all ages and sizes can encounter. I know I’m a “healthy” weight and am not trying to take anything away from people who struggle with obesity or thin-shaming.
Wonderings
Sick to my stomach, an unfamiliar tightness in my throat emerges. I’m sure my body is telling me something, reminding me I need to feel. But what feeling manifests as a queasy stomach? Disgust? Grief? Sadness? Anxiety? It could be any of those.
Focus evades me. I know I’m not bored because I’m rarely capable of boredom. I’m just . . . not here. But not really anywhere. No thoughts. Catatonic.